92 Quotes & Sayings By Craig Ferguson

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever. Craig Ferguson

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable. Craig Ferguson

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps. Craig Ferguson

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't. Craig Ferguson

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled. Craig Ferguson

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic– I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit. . Craig Ferguson

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself. Craig Ferguson

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second. . Craig Ferguson

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist. Craig Ferguson

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket. Craig Ferguson

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it Craig Ferguson

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. Craig Ferguson

Oh Satan you're a wily one. Craig Ferguson

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying. Craig Ferguson

Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day And you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway. Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call." Cause the night's not nearly through. Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise. Let your worries wait another day. And if you stay too late at the bar, At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway! " Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live without And I regret to say, the morning light is hours away. The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight. What's the point of going to bed? You look so lovely when your eyes are red. Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. . Craig Ferguson

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love. Craig Ferguson

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it. Craig Ferguson

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now. Craig Ferguson

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane. Craig Ferguson

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything. Craig Ferguson

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil. Craig Ferguson

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste. Craig Ferguson

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. Craig Ferguson

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard! Craig Ferguson

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it! Craig Ferguson

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate. Craig Ferguson

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy. Craig Ferguson

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah. Craig Ferguson

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure. Craig Ferguson

Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment. Craig Ferguson

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know Craig Ferguson

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Craig Ferguson

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted. Craig Ferguson

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness. Craig Ferguson

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin. Craig Ferguson

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now? Craig Ferguson

I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling. Craig Ferguson

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it. Craig Ferguson

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs. Craig Ferguson

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass. Craig Ferguson

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to. Craig Ferguson

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh. Craig Ferguson

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it. Craig Ferguson

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck. Craig Ferguson

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104. Craig Ferguson

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway. Craig Ferguson

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again. Craig Ferguson

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English. Craig Ferguson

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me. Craig Ferguson

Time is only linear for engineers and referees. Craig Ferguson

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine. Craig Ferguson

I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. "Listen, " she said, not unkindly, "up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?"I nodded." Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind. . Take the fucking drugs! " I took the drugs. Craig Ferguson

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong? Craig Ferguson

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed Craig Ferguson

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves. Craig Ferguson

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies. Craig Ferguson

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. Craig Ferguson

Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good. . Craig Ferguson

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane. Craig Ferguson

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love. Craig Ferguson

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... Its Free! Craig Ferguson

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that. Craig Ferguson

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover. Craig Ferguson

America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent.. We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years. . Craig Ferguson

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice. Craig Ferguson

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation. Craig Ferguson

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, ' Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you. Craig Ferguson

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew? Craig Ferguson

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important. Craig Ferguson

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them. Craig Ferguson

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam, " depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require. Craig Ferguson

I realized women and humor were linked very closely. Craig Ferguson

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure. Craig Ferguson

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger. Craig Ferguson

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' Craig Ferguson

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman. Craig Ferguson

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. Craig Ferguson